The Town of Odyssey

Ah yes, the Manifesto.

How I miss those days.

Wow Phoenix. I am glad to see you post!

...And welcome to your new home, you thread of total awesomeness!

What, is the election over? But we have not even begun to run!

But no, it appears that we've simply missed the filing deadline. No matter; this is bigger than that. It's sort of like the Ron Paul Revolution (which would be trademarked if its most prominent supporters were enlightened enough to believe in intellectual property rights): it never ends. Sure, the possibility of victory might be remote, even non-existent, but one can always stack a few local conventions, then whine that the media isn't covering the UPSET VICTORY FOR RON PAUL AND LIBERTY in some county convention in rural North Carolina. Great fun, really.

So, yes, our chances may be slim. Write-in campaigns rarely succeed, especially when there's not a write-in option. We all know, however, that the powers that be have excluded that option because they know we would win. The major media won't cover us, of course, because their neo-con statist imperialist corporatist bosses are quaking in their boots before the mighty power of Rothbardian "thought," and are afraid that once the citizenry tastes of the tree of liberty, their eyes shall be opened and they shall be as gods, er, anarchists. (Same thing, really. Haven't you read Rand?)

We are crashing the gates, because folks, the revolution will not be televised. Remember that. And while you're at it, don't think of an elephant, because, I mean, well, what's the matter with Kansas, anyway? Whatever it is, jut ask yourself, how would a patriot act? And I think you know: he would blanch at the thought of a choice between advocates of the statist status quo, and would strike a blow for freedom by supporting our ticket, even if certain nefarious forces attempt to keep it off the ballot.

What does the right to franchise mean, after all, other than the right to throw your vote away in some ridiculous manner? I humbly submit that we offer the best ridiculous option presently available! (Excluding Mike Gravel. Everyone excludes Mike Gravel. It's practically the national pastime, and the best part is that no one stops to think about their participation in this hallowed tradition of not even thinking about the guy. He's practically the new Frank Hanly, except that Gravel-like vote totals might have been enough to drive Hanly to drink.)

Sound money! The abolition of central banking! An end to multilateral trade agreements! A bold stand against the globalists! That's what we stand for, not because we've thought it through or anything, but mainly because these sort of slogans excite Americans from all walks of life, and all points on the political spectrum, from recalcitrant Birchers to anarcho-capitalists. (That is the whole spectrum, right?) Whether you have None Dare Call it Treason on your bookshelf or a Tu Ne Cede Malis bumper sticker on your car -- or even if you've ditched your car and spend your evenings reading What Are People For? by candlelight -- we're the candidates crazy enough to deserve your vote!

Maybe we should get a blimp.

Ah... I laughed out loud most of the way, starting from this point:

Write-in campaigns rarely succeed, especially when there's not a write-in option.

It is quite sad that this ticket failed again to submit the entry fees, and that this topic is now in Hillingdale instead of the election forum where it belongs!!

Some people would appear to doubt that this campaign is viable; how else to explain the egregious dearth of supporters who have maxed out for the cause? Where are our obscenely wealthy bundlers? Our ethically-challenged lobbyist backers? Our paranoid activists? Our drivers of station wagons festooned with bumper stickers for us and every other candidate all the way down to prothonotary?

Actually, if you can't bring yourself to vote for us in this election, why not write one of us in for prothonotary? The job has certain perks, chief among them that no one has a clue what a prothonotary does, so it's really hard to be considered derelict or a failure at the job. If your prothonotary skipped town or lost his entire budget at the blackjack tables, would you even notice?

Now, maybe that's the problem. Perhaps prothonotaries have some ancient and noble charge, and they've been shirking it for generations. If they were doing their jobs, perhaps there'd be no war, no pestilence, no unemployment, no unexpected surcharges, no scratches on CDs, no glitches in Windows Vista, no allergies, and, above all, no shamefully ridiculous Christian apocalyptic fiction. Come to think of it, I say we round up the lot of them and see what they have to say for themselves.

That's my pledge to you.

I have other pledges, too, if you want to hear them. Like the one Bellamy wrote, which I'll recite with hand over heart, flag pin firmly affixed to lapel, patriotic tie proudly in place -- think Obama during the West Virginia primaries, not Obama during the rest of them. And I pledge to play the cultural affinity thing with the same acumen as displayed by Hillary Clinton, that daughter of hard-scrabble Scranton whose family home still carried the scent of toil and sweat in the heroic coal industry, where the true men and women of America worked endlessly and with patriotic fervor, except at such times as they brandished their weapons and joined hunting parties, reliving their storied hunter-gatherer past. (Was I the only one who was waiting for Hillary to show up in Morgantown brandishing a rifle and -- holding it aloft -- bellow, "Out of my cold dead hands"?)

My friends, the media says we can't win. They babble on about the voters this and ballot status that. But they aren't getting to the heart of the issue, which is this:

[Ed. -- please come up with and insert the heart of the issue]

[And a concluding graf while you're at it. Thanks.]

*supports*
LETS HAVE A REVOLUTION, FOLKS!!!
WRITE IN CLODIUS & SHERLOCK FOR MAYOR & COP!!!!!

My eyes teared a little at that stunning discourse!


Of course, it was because I was laughing so much...