*sigh* I guess I should back up a little and give a brief description behind where this is coming from..I've been dealing with some annoying and dramatic stuff for about 6 months. Let's call it depression. Never officially diagnosed, but if I went to a shrink, it probably would be. Anyways...Along with this, I also fell in love with a guy I can't be with right now, which has been breaking my heart for pretty much..ever. At the end of December, something happened with him (it's complicated..) that caused my heart to be completely crushed. But it also caused me to run back to God. At that point, I felt so close to God. I could hear him, for real. I knew what he wanted from me. And it was amazing. It also gave me the strength to continue staying just friends with him and it's gotten much easier since then.
But my relationship with God has started sucking again...Maybe I need to put in more effort. I guess I get busy and I run out of time or I'm too tired. Then I get back to the point where it feels like it's too late to go back to Him. I feel worthless. Ugly. Aweful. Horrible. Stupid. Annoying. It seems like my closest friends don't even care..it's like they never can do or say the right things. It always seems like I care more about them then they do about me. For so long, I've felt tired of breathing. I just wanted to go to bed and not wake up in the morning. For a while, it felt like I wouldn't ever have to feel that again...But it's coming back. Life just seems like too much trouble sometimes. All the drama and pain...I don't even understand what the point is anymore....maybe I need to see a shrink. But I hate talking to random people about my issues. Then again, what am I doing right now? I just don't know anything at all.
And all I can ask is that you pray. For anything you think I need...I feel like I may explode all over everyone. I'm a mess. That's the only thing I know for sure. Well, I also know that I wish I could change pretty much everything about myself and that I'm in love..but yeah...maybe this was a waste of time. But I'm getting desperate. I'm tired of not feeling. I'd rather be angry or so sad I just want to cry all the time then feel like I do. I hate wanting to give up. But I do...Just pray. Please.
BBB
That's how much you're loved. You just need to start focusing on the One who died for you (and other people). God can (and will) use you greatly, just keeping trusting in Him, read His Word all the time, and pray. Don't pray because you want to feel good; pray because it is what the Creator of the universe deserves. Pray because God desires it. I pray this encourages you. I'll be praying for you, dear sister in Christ. 
