What is Wrong with These Headlines?
Safety Experts say School Bus Passengers Should be Belted
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Killer Sentanced to Die For Second Time in Ten Years
Deer Kill 17,000
Red Tape Holds up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
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An English Professor wrote the words: 'Woman without her man is nothing' on the blackboard. and directed his students to punctuate it corectly.
The men wrote: 'Woman, without her man, is nothing.'
The women wrote: 'Woman! Without her, man is nothing.'
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Inventions that didn't work:
A book on How To Read
An inflatable dart board
A dictionary index
Powdered water
The cordless extension cord
Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses
Waterproof teabags
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ORDER IN THE COURT!
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked by attorneys during trials and in certain cases the responses given by the insightful witnesses. The last one is the best.
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
"The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?"
"Were you alone or by yourself?"
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
"Did he kill you?"
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?"
"You were there untill you left, isn't that true?"
"How many times have you committed suicide?"
Q "Doctor, before you started the autopsy did you check for a pulse?"
A. "No."
Q. "Blood pressure?"
A. "No."
Q. "Breathing?"
A. "No."
Q. " So then it is possible the paitient could still be alive?"
A. "No."
Q. "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A. "Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk."
Q. "But it is possible he could be alive nevertheless?"
A, "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
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Things That Irritate A Sane Person:
The lift stops at every level and no-one gets on.
The tiny red string on the biscuit wrapper never works for you.
You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
You slice your tounge licking an envelope.
The station comes in brilliantly when you are standing near the radio, but drifts, buzzes and spits when you move away.
There are always one or two icecubes that won't pop out of the tray.
You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and the entire wash comes out covered in lint.
The car behind you punishes its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
Your glasses slide off your nose when you perspire.
You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it!!!!
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Deep Thoughts!
Last week I went to a furniture shop to look for a de-caffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
When I was a child we had a quicksand box in the back yard. I was an only child - eventually.
I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add.
My neighbour has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you have seen some of it.
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Confusing Thoughts!
Isn't unnerving that doctors do what they called practice?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal biscuits?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmet?
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A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who was known as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table he noticed the plates were the dirtiest he had seen in his life!
"Were these plates ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so despite the dirty plates. When dinner was over the hostess took the plates outside, whistled, then yelled:
"Here Soap, here Water!"
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There was a little a boy called Michael who used to hang out around the local shops. The owner of the newsagent didn't know what Michael's problem was, but the big boys were constantly teasing him.
They would always make rude comments about how stupid he was.To prove it, sometimes they would offer Michael his choice between a 10p and a 20p. He would always grab the 10p, they said because it was bigger.
One day after Michael took the 10p, the newsagent owner took him aside and said;
"Michael, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know that the 20p is worth more than the 10p. Are you taking the 10p because it's bigger or what?"
Slowly Michael turned towards the newsagent owner and grinned.
He said, "Well, if I took the 20p they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved £10!"
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Medical Dictionary:
Benign.................................................What you be after eight.
Artery......................................................The study of paintings.
Barium................................What doctors do when patients die.
Catscan................................................. Searching for the pussy.
Cauterise .......................................................Made eye contact.
Coma.......................................................... A punctuation mark.
Labour Pain.............................................. Getting hurt at work.
Medical staff.................................................... A doctor's cane.
Out patient........................................ A person who has fainted.
Fibula .........................................................................A small lie.
Fester ............................................Quicker than someone else.
Tumour ...............................................................More than one.
Vien ...........................................................................Conceited.
Terminal illness ..............................Getting sick at the airport.
Seisure............................................................Roman emperor.
Recovery room ...................................Place to do upholstery.
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Anagrams
Dormitory = Dirty Room
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lost In 'em
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point = I'm A Dot In Place
Eleven Plus Two = Twelve Plus One
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Some Crazy Quotes
-Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
-Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
-Room service? Send up a larger room.
-These are my principles, if you don't like them I have others.
-A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
-I must say I find television very educational. The minute someone turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
-I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
-Either he's he's dead or my watch has stopped.
-Whatever it is I'm against it.
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Need recusitating yet?