The best speech ever!

Jennifer Doyle · Post by **Jennifer Doyle** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 12:32 pm

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?

My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nation s are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world countries and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France .

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France , or maybe China .

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France , Germany , and Russia . Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not ticking us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America . It is time to eliminate homelessness in America . It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America . To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America . Thank you and good night. If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

This might go in the debate board, I suppose... I think it's amusing. As an American. Folks here from other countries might disagree.

darcie · Post by **darcie** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 12:40 pm

An interesting little rant, and I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of people feel like saying it. Of course, I'm a bit of an environmentalist, so I might have to move to one of the list 2 nations.

Where did you get it from, JD?

Jennifer Doyle · Post by **Jennifer Doyle** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 12:45 pm

Enviromentalists are cool.

I watched a video where a few of them lived in a huge tree for like 2 years so it wouldn't be cut down!

I found it off of a friend's blog on MySpace. She didn't write it though. I don't know who did.

Pc Pro · Post by **Pc Pro** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 12:53 pm

thats pretty cool $\:D/$

Anne Doyle · Post by **Anne Doyle** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 2:11 pm

Pc Pro wrote:thats pretty cool $\:D/$

Are you just happy because your country is on America's "Nice" List?

Haha. We're like Santa Claus!

Jonathan · Post by **Jonathan** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 2:29 pm

Jennifer Doyle wrote:I found it off of a friend's blog on MySpace. She didn't write it though. I don't know who did.

No one does; it's actually been around for a couple of years now. I've had it emailed to me quite a bit.

Skid · Post by **Skid** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 2:36 pm

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not ticking us off for a change.

Quit taking your rust-ridden battleships through our northern waters and you might have a deal. Otherwise refer to the "Canadian Conspiracy" thread.

Environmentalists are cool. I watched a video where a few of them lived in a huge tree for like 2 years so it wouldn't be cut down!

That would probably be here in British Columbia's rain forests, There is still an area up here where nut-cases camp out in order to protect a couple trees that are identical to half of the other trees in the province.

darcie · Post by **darcie** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 3:19 pm

Skid 32 wrote:
Environmentalists are cool. I watched a video where a few of them lived in a huge tree for like 2 years so it wouldn't be cut down!
That would probably be here in British Columbia's rain forests, There is still an area up here where nut-cases camp out in order to protect a couple trees that are identical to half of the other trees in the province.

Haha... And I thought it sounded like Northern Californians in the coastal redwoods or sequoias. Gotta love trees big enough to drive through.

Jennifer Doyle · Post by **Jennifer Doyle** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 5:23 pm

Skid 32 wrote:
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not ticking us off for a change.
Quit taking your rust-ridden battleships through our northern waters and you might have a deal. Otherwise refer to the "Canadian Conspiracy" thread.

I doubt our battleships are rust-ridden.