I loved that cat's daily diary. That was too cute.
Peace Out
-Gimp
Jokes
and other cute stuff
This is one that is all too true, especially for those of us living in NY.
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing
surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. A concert pianist
lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he
performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and
both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a
gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a
lady was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into
a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the
horse's blonde mane and a big butt. Now she's the Senator from New York."
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing
surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. A concert pianist
lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he
performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and
both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a
gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a
lady was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into
a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the
horse's blonde mane and a big butt. Now she's the Senator from New York."
"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof; is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."
-Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless
-Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless
-
Country Girl
- Classic
- Posts: 617
- Joined: April 2005
- Location: Country
- Contact:
) 
Toilet Cleaning Instructions:
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
Don't try this at home!
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
Don't try this at home!
Somehow, I think I know what folder you're talking about. Didn't you have it along when we traveled together to Family Camp?Barely Is wrote:I love all the cat and dog ones! I have a large folder that I have stuffed full of one-liners, jokes, riddles, that sort of thing, and it's perfect for long car rides!
-
Rachael Blackgaard
- Dr Blackgaard's Girl
- Posts: 4807
- Joined: April 2005
- Location: IT!!!!!!!
- Contact:
I sure hope no one's posted this yet:
AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are.
Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, and stuff, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in little metal boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.
I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail Ann
AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are.
Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, and stuff, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in little metal boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.
I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail Ann
I've heard that one before, but it's still hilarious! Thanks, Rachael! 
-
gimp80995
- No way I broke the window
- Posts: 3545
- Joined: April 2005
- Location: Uhm....in front of a computer
- Contact:
Karin wrote:Toilet Cleaning Instructions:
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
Don't try this at home!
That was good.
Peace Out
-Gimp
God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
God, Grant us the peace that comes from honest dealings so that no fear of discovery will haunt our sleep May we inflict no pain, bring no shame, and seek no profit by another's loss.
God, Grant us the peace that comes from honest dealings so that no fear of discovery will haunt our sleep May we inflict no pain, bring no shame, and seek no profit by another's loss.
Here's a joke. I know this is an old topic, so I hope people don't mind that I'm bringing it up again.
A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him- "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home, 3 bedrooms.
LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No," he replied, "We have two-car carport. Don't need grudge.
LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations in Poland."
LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't all the time like the music, but I answer yes."
LAWYER: No, I mean does your wife beat you up?
POLE: NO, I always up before her.
LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?
POLE: SHE going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read --
>
>
>
>
> It says, "Polish Remover."
A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him- "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home, 3 bedrooms.
LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No," he replied, "We have two-car carport. Don't need grudge.
LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations in Poland."
LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't all the time like the music, but I answer yes."
LAWYER: No, I mean does your wife beat you up?
POLE: NO, I always up before her.
LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?
POLE: SHE going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read --
>
>
>
>
> It says, "Polish Remover."
That was a good one! I heard this one this weekend at the Youth Retreat that I attended. A caption on the German U-boat u571 hears the radio crackle and then a voice comes across shouting "Mayday, mayday, we're sinking!" After fumbling with knob, and switches for several minutes he asks the ship in trouble to repeat their message. Again the message is "Mayday, mayday, we're sinking." Puzzled the Captain replies " This is Captian Dissledorf of U-boat U571, can you tell me, what are you sinking about?" In response all he hears is a gurgle and all is silent.
This is so much funnier when it's acted out. We had a Youth Leader at the Retreat this weekend who can do a really good German accent so he acted it out. Reading the joke just doesn't do it justice
This is so much funnier when it's acted out. We had a Youth Leader at the Retreat this weekend who can do a really good German accent so he acted it out. Reading the joke just doesn't do it justice
It's good to visit again... it's been a while!
-
Agent DeWhite
- Tallying up
- Posts: 143
- Joined: April 2005