![Anxious :anxious:](./images/smilies/eusa_shifty.gif)
Help for Men
The 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers
The five questions are:
"What are you thinking?"
"Do you love me?"
"Do I look fat?"
"Do you think she is prettier than me?"
"What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not
answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
"What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've
been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are, and what a
lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no
resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the
time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid
question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was
asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd
be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong
answers:
"Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel
the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong
answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
"Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and
emphatically state, "No, of course not!" and then quickly leave the
room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin, either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.
"Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you
were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident, or
an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response
is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.
"What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise,
life would cease to have meaning for me, and I would perforce hurl
myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that
came my way."
Insurance Claims
THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS FOUND ON INSURANCE FORMS WHERE CAR DRIVERS ATTEMPTED TO SUMMARIZE THE DETAILS OF AN ACCIDENT IN THE FEWEST POSSIBLE WORDS. THE INSTANCES OF FAULTY WRITING SERVE TO CONFIRM THAT EVEN INCOMPETENT WRITING CAN BE HIGHLY ENTERTAINING.
-Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
-The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
-I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
-I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
-A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
-The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
-I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
-In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
-I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
-I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
-I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
-As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
-To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
-My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
-An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
-I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
-I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
-The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
-I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
-The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
-I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
-The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.