Amusing Quotes & Jokes

[Trent DeWhite]

That's great.

Gotta love Chinese, Chandler.

50 fun things to do in an elevator!

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you, just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, stupid motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger... then ask them if they like the pictures.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Bring a blaring boom box along with you and start dancing wildly (extra fun when the elevator is packed).
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

[gimp80995]

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you, just shut UP!"
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

*shall consider doing the above in the near future when she's on an elevator*



I'm sure a lot of you have already seen this, but for those of you that haven't, enjoy!

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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very
small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

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A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy
Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches
us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill."

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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,

"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out,"And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying
to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face.."; "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God
is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note,
"Take all you want God is watching the apples.

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Peace Out

-Gimp

[Trent DeWhite]

Once again, Gimp, you've come up with some hilarious jokes.

Why Not Ask Why?

- Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
- Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
- Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
- Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
- Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
- How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
- If 7-11 (convenience store) is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
- If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
- If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
- If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
- You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
- Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
- Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? (Familiar joke from our friend, Jimmy Barclay )
- Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
- You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
- Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

[gimp80995]

I honestly don't know where the orgin of this really comes from........I heard it a long while back from a pastor of mine in Denver.........then used it a while later in one of my own sermons.......and I've heard many other people tell the same story (some say the kid was a girl, and the old person was a woman........some say boy / man........but the gist remains the same..........and it's cute )

===============================================
There once was a little boy who wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his backpack with Twinkies and a six-pack of root beer and started his journey.

When he had gone three blocks, he met an old man. He was sitting in the park just staring at some pigeons. The boy sat down next to him and opened his backpack. He was about to take a drink of root beer when he noticed that the old man looked hungry, so he offered him a Twinkie. He gratefully accepted it and smiled at him.

His smile was so pretty that he wanted to see it again, so he offered him a root beer. Once again he smiled. The boy was delighted! They sat all afternoon eating and smiling, but never said a word. As it grew dark he got up to leave and gave him a hug. He gave him his biggest smile ever.

When the boy went home, his mother was surprised by the look of joy he had. She asked him, "What did you do today that made you so happy?" He replied, "I had lunch with God." But before his mother could respond he said, "He's got the most beautiful smile."

Meanwhile, the old man, also radiant with joy, returned to his home. His son was stunned by the look of peace on his face, and he asked, "Father, what did you do today that made you so happy?" He replied, "I had lunch with God." But before his son could respond, he added, "You know, he's much younger than I expected."
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Then this one....I heard it on the radio a couple months back......very good........if any of you have heard this and actually remember the title, please let me know

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Long ago in a Native American Tribe, it came to the Chief's attention that there was a thief.

After thinking things over the Cheif gave orders to catch the thief, then the next day tie him to a post in the middle of the village and whip him on the bare back 20 times.

That night, the chief's guards set a trap for the thief by leaving some hides outside the door of a tent, while they watched from another. Sure enough the thief came and was caught.

The chief was woke and told that they had caught the theif. There was some hesitation when the chief commnded that the thief be brought before him. It was none other than his own mother.

The next day the whole tribe wondered what the chief would do. Woluld his justice be greater than his love for his own mother? Or would his love be greater than his justice.

The chief's mother was brought out and tied to the post. Two women bared her back for the whip. The villagers murmmerd back and forth that the chief's justice was more powerful than his love. Just as the guard drew the whip back in his right hand, the chief cried out for them to stop. He untied his mother and let her go free. The people then said his love was greater for he was letting his mother go unpunished.

Then the chief shocked everyone by removing his shirt and commanding the guards to tie him to the post. Then the chief gave the final order for them to continue with the punishment.

This is how it is in our relationship between us and God. Because we sinned, we broke the law set down long ago. The punishment for breaking that law was death.

God's justice demands that the punishment be served. His love doesn't want us to have to bare the punishment. So Jesus came down and took our punishment for us so we would have a way to escape the punishment we deserve.
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Peace Out

-Gimp

[Chandler]

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.

[Trent DeWhite]

I think Sam Johnson could use some of those jokes to add to his repertoire. Bernard might not appreciate it, though.

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Once at a church, while the collection plate was being passed around, the pastor said, "Whoever gives the most will get to pick our three hymes of today." When he looked into the collection plate, he found that someone had given a one hundred dollar bill. He asked the attendance who had done this and a little old lady slowly stood up and came to the front. After the pastor told her that she could pick the three hymes, she stared out, deep in thought. Then she pointed out and said, "I'll take him, him, and him."

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A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.

On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "'Is this a question?' - Discuss."

After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer."

The student received an "A" on the exam.

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A philosophy professor gives his class a test one day. The test has one question on it, and they can have the whole period to write their essay.

He puts a chair on his desk and passes out the test. The essay topic is, "Write me persuasive essay arguing why this chair does not exist."

One young man wrote something on his paper, got up, turned it in and left. The rest spent the entire period diligently writing their essays.

When the grades were posted, the class was astonished to learn the young man had made an A. So they asked him what he wrote.

He had written "What chair?"

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** Gotta love those philosophy class jokes. **
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Why God Never Received Tenure at a University

1. Because he had only one major publication.
2. And it was in Hebrew.
3. And it had no cited references.
4. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer review.
5. And some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since?
7. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results.
8. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
9. He expelled his first two students for learning.
10. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.

[Catspaw]

If the Bible Was Written By College Students...
Top Ten Ways the Bible would be different if it were written by college students.

10. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning cold.

9. The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.

8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.

7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria.

6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to [email protected].
5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.

3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.

2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

Ministerial Candidates
The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for a ministry position.

ADAM
Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how he and his wife enjoy walking nude in the woods.

JESUS
Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single. Has a messiah complex.

NOAH
Prone to unrealistic building projects.

ABRAHAM
Though the reference reported wife swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife.

JOSEPH
A big thinker but a braggart. Believes in dream interpreting, and has a prison record. Had been accused of adultery.

MOSES
A modest and meek man but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly.

JOB
Complains a lot.

DAVID
The most promising leader of all until we discovered his affair with his neighbour's wife. His kids are out of control. Worse yet, he's a proponent of instrumental music in worship.

SOLOMON
Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives. Good with building projects though. Rather extravagant.

ELIJAH
Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure. Spends too much time in wilderness. Loner. No wife that we know of.

SAMSON
Hair is too long.

JONAH
Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. Known to pout when things don't go his way. We hung up.

MELCHIZEDEK
Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.

JOHN
Says he's a Baptist but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept outdoors for months on end. Has a weird diet. Provokes denominational leaders. Is too social and political minded. Offends politicians and is
known to lose his head on occasion.

PETER
Too blue collar. Has a bad temper. Has even been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon. Probably speaks in tongues. Claims to have visions.

PAUL
Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night. Controversial on women's issues. Admits to speaking in tongues. Has recommended young men to drink wine. Little chance that he will ever marry.

TIMOTHY
Too young.

METHUSELAH
Too old. WAY too old.

JUDAS
His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative and pragmatic. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.

[Trent DeWhite]

A college aged girl was hurrying on her way to school one day. She knew she was going to be pushing it to get there on time, so as she ran across the parking lot towards campus, she petitioned God repeatedly, saying, "Please God, don't let me be late!" She kept repeating herself as she hurried along. Suddenly, she stumbled and fell. She quickly got up, brushed herself off, and continued on her way. Soon, she was sending her prayers up again. "Please God, don't let me be late. Please God don't let me be late. Please don't let me be late, and stop shoving me, too!"

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** Tis so true, we ask for help and blame God for all our problems. ***
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If Only Life Could Be Like A Computer...

1. If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over!
2. To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
3. If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend". Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
4. To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
5. To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
6. If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
7. When you lose your car keys, click on "find".
8. "Help" with the chores is just a click away.
9. You wouldn't need auto insurance. You'd use your diskette to recover from a crash.
10. We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.
11. To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".
12. To undo a mistake, click on "back".
13. Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update".

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Confucius Says

- Man who sit on tack get point!
- Man who sink into woman's arms will soon find arms in woman's sink.
- Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
- A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.
- He who eats crackers in bed get crummy sleep.
- Eunuch not strange creature, just man cut out to be bachelor.
- Man who dream of eating giant mushroom---wake up with no pillow.
- Boy and girl go camping together sure to have naughty intent.
- Butcher who backs into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders.
- Chemist who fall in acid, absorbed in work.
- Man do not mind bust in mouth if provided by beautiful voluptuous lady.
- Man become old when he watch food instead of waitress.
- Girl who make love in tomb may soon become mummy.
- Wise man never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
- Man who drop watch in toilet have poop time.
- Man trapped in pantry have himself in jam.
- Women take to good hearted men. Also from.
- Man who pass gas in church must sit in own pew.
- Man who shoot off mouth, expect to lose face.
- Man with big mouth, beware of foot.
- Man under wheelbarrow playing with tool, not necessarily mechanic.
- House without bathroom, uncanny.
- Man who throw dirt, losing ground.
- Two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn
- Do not drink and park, accidents cause people.
- Man who crosses ocean twice without washing, is a dirty double crosser.
- Man who put cream in tart, not always baker.
- Man who speak with forked tongue, should not kiss balloons.
- He who have last laugh, not get joke.
- Man who throw away watch, wasting time.

[gimp80995]

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
as I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
by the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
who made me sputter and gasp--
the thieves, the liars, the sinners,
the alcoholics, the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
who never said anything nice.

Uncle Bill, who I always thought
was rotting away in hell,
was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.


And why's everyone so quiet,
so somber? Give me a clue."
"Hush, child,"said He. "They're all in shock.
No one thought they'd see you."


Peace Out

-Gimp

[Flyah]

In what was I thought was prophetic:

"Smoking kills. And if you're killed you've lost a very important part of your life.' Brooke Shields

I used that in my sig at the TH and the week after I put it up, they used that quote on AIO - I think it may have been the one about the commercial for Whit's End. Perhaps I'm pyschic?

[Catspaw]

Biblical Theme Songs
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

Wrong Message
There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."

Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him. So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."

Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying "Good morning sir. I have a question for you... Are you ready to die?"

Sunday Best
A little boy opened the big family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.

He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Mama, look what I found!” the boy called out.

“What do you have, dear?” she asked.

With astonishment in his voice, the young man replied, “I think it’s Adam’s suit!”

[Trent DeWhite]

"People who want milk shouldn't sit in the middle of a field in hopes that a cow will back up to them."
--Curtis More

What All Those Acronyms Really Mean

ISDN = It Still Does Nothing
APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
IBM = I Blame Microsoft
DEC = Do Expect Cuts
CA = Constant Acquisitions
CD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 = Obsolete Soon, Too.
SCSI = System Can't See It
DOS = Defunct Operating System
BASIC = Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
WWW = World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH = Most Applications Crash; If Not, The OS Hangs

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Technical Terms for Country Folk

Log on: making a wood stove hotter
Log off: don't add no more wood
Monitor: keeping an eye on the wood stove
Download: gettin the farwood off the truck
Mega Hertz: when yer not keerful getting the farwood
Floppy disc: whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
Ram: that thar thing what splits the farwood
Hard drive: gettin home in the winter time
Prompt: whut the mail ain't in the winter time
Windows: what to shut when it's cold outside
Screen: what to shut when it's blak fly season
Byte: what dem flys do
Chip: munchies fer the TV
Micro Chip: whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
Modem: whacha did to the hay fields
Dot Matrix: Old Dan Matrix's wife
Lap Top: whar the kitty sleeps
Keyboard: whar ya hang the keys
Software: them plastic forks and knifes
Mouse: what eats the grain in the barn
Mouse Pad: that hippie talk for the rat hole
Main frame: holds up the barn ruf
Port: fancy Flatlander wine
Enter: northerner talk fer C'Mon in y'all
Random Access Memory: when ya cain't 'member what ya paid fer the......

------

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who managed to get the most out of his computer. This had been going on for days and God, was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So down they sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused away. They did spreadsheets, they wrote reports, they sent faxes, they sent out e-mail, they sent out e-mail with attachments, they downloaded, they did some genealogy reports, they made cards, they did every known job. But just a few minutes before the two hours were up, a lightening flashed across the sky. The thunder rolled and the rains came down hard. And of course the electricity went off.

Satan was upset. He fumed and fussed and he ranted and raved, all to no avail. The electricity stayed off. But after a bit, the rains stopped and the electricity came back on. Satan screamed, "I lost it all when the power went off. What am I going to do? What happened to Jesus' work?"

Jesus just sat and smiled.

Again Satan asked about the work that Jesus had done. As Jesus turned his computer back on the screen glowed and when he pushed "print it", it was all there. "How did he do it." Satan asked? God smiled and said, "Jesus Saves."

[Catspaw]

As a Canadian, I feel the responsibility to make fun of us! So here we go...

CANADIANS IN HELL

Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell.

The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat.

The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"

Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we've just got to have a cook-out when the weather's THIS nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians.

He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!

The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???"

The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup."

A train compartment had 4 people in it: two ladies, and two men, one man was American, and the other was a Canadian. At point point the train suddenly entered a tunnel. In the darkness there was a loud 'SLAP!'

When the train emerged everyone noted that the American had a big red hand mark on his face.

The first lady thought, 'that darn American must have touched that lady, and she gave him what he deserved!'

The second lady thought, 'that darn American must have touched that lady, and she gave him what he deserved!'

The American thought, 'that darn Canadian must have touched one of the ladies, and she gave him what he deserved!'

The Canadian thought, 'I hope we go under another bridge so I can slap the American again!'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Jewish person, an American and a Canadian were riding in a car together and were involved in a very bad accident. The ambulance took them all to hospital together but they were just barely alive....as a matter of fact all three expired in the same operating room while doctors were working on them.

Suddenly the three of them appeared in the clouds at St. Peters Gate and as they approached, St. Peter gestured to the American and said, "If you give me fifty dollars I'll send you back....you are too young to be up here so soon."

The American whipped out fifty bucks and....poof! He jumped off the operating table in perfect conition! Not a scratch on him. The doctors were amazed and asked him how come?

He said that all he knew is that the three of them were "up there" with St. Peter and when St. Peter asked him for fifty bucks to send him back....he paid it and....poof! Here he was!

The doctors couldn't help but be amazed and asked him, "You say those other two were up there with you?" (They were on the next two operating tables in the room) The American said "Yes they were."

The doctors then asked him, "Well what about them? Are they coming back too? What were they doing when you left?"

The American said, "Well, all I can say is when I looked back at them just before I left the Jew was arguing about the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his!"

[dancer02248]

haha this is one of my all time favorite jokes

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there under the shade of a tree?"
"I don't know" responded the other. "I'll ask him." So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you are standing in the shade?"
"Intellegence," the boss said.
"What do you mean, 'intelegence'?"
The boss said, "Well, i'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and i want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditchdigger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditchdigger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intellegence!"
The ditchdigger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?"
"He said we are down here because of intellegence."
"What's intellegence?" said the friend.
The ditchdigger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."


haha i liked that one... i don't know if that's funny to anyone else?!

[Trent DeWhite]

Ha, I love the "Canadians in Hell", Gimp! Considering I absolutely despise the Toronto Maple Leafs, I found the joke rather amusing. Good one.

------

Heavenly Voice Messages

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling heaven.

For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.

(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666)

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3 16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

Thank you and have a heavenly day.

[Catspaw]

Ha, I love the "Canadians in Hell", Gimp! Considering I absolutely despise the Toronto Maple Leafs, I found the joke rather amusing. Good one.

Apparntly I changed my name...I hope my mother heard about it, because I sure didn't!

Dumbest Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
All Time Dumbest Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists. Yes, they're ALL TRUE as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff!

1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs?

2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose?

3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?"
Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' "
Tourist: "Oh".

4. Are the bears with collars tame?

5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?

6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?

7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?

8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was?

9. Are there birds in Canada?

10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?

11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?

12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?

13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?

14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?

15. Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?

16. How far is Banff from Canada?

17. What's the best way to see Canada in a day?

18. Do they search you at the B.C. border?

19. When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?

20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don't they?

21. Are there phones in Banff?

22. So it's eight kilometers away... is that in miles?

23. We're on the decibel system you know.

24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??

25. Is that two kilometers by foot or by car?

26. Don't you Canadians know anything?

27. Where do you put the animals at night?

28. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?"
Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom".
Tourist: "Oh!"

Life as an Albertan

1. "Vacation" means going to Calgary for the weekend.

2. You measure distance in hours.

3. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

5. You use a down comforter in the summer.

6. Your grandparents drive at 100 km/h through four meters of snow during a blizzard, without flinching.

7. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

8. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled.

10. You know both seasons: Winter and construction.

11. You are bundled up in three sweaters, a parka, ski pants, a touque, two pairs of mittens, boots past your knees in 3 feet
of snow in a -35 (-8000 with the windchill) blizzard, your eyelashes are frozen together, your nose is running, you can't feel your toes, and you still stop at 7 Eleven for a Slurpee on the way home.

12. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Alberta.

I'm not from Alberta, though I am from Canada, and some of these ring true for my part of the country too!

[Trent DeWhite]

Apparntly I changed my name...I hope my mother heard about it, because I sure didn't!

My mistake.



Ha, those Alberta jokes are hilarious. I haven't lived there since I was three or four years old. But my family has made numerous trips back to Calgary seeing as how most of the extended family is back west.

Bumper Stickers

Sayings That Should Be On Buttons

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
3. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
4. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
5. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
6. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
7. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
8. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
9. You! Off my planet!
10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

-----

I don't question your existence - GOD

Next time you think you're perfect...
...try walking on water

Lord help me to be the person my dog thinks I am.

Come the rapture can I have your car?

It's okay, I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time, either.

If God didn't want us to eat animals why did he make them out of meat?

Jesus. Don't leave earth without him.

Eve was framed.

[Catspaw]

Answering Machine Messages...
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Hi. Now you say something.

Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Be Careful Following The Crowd
A missionary recruit goes to Venezuela for the first time, struggling with the language. He visits one of the local churches and sits in the front row.

So as not to make a fool of himself, he decides to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He decides to follow the man sitting next to him in the front pew. As they sing, the man claps his hands, so the missionary recruit claps, too. When the man stands up to pray, the missionary recruit stands up, too. When the man sits down, the missionary sits down.

Later in the service, the man next to him stands up again, so the missionary stands up, too.

Suddenly a hush falls over the entire congregation. A few people gasp. The missionary looks around and sees that no one else is standing. So he sits down.

After the service ends, the missionary recruit greets the preacher. "I take it you don't speak Spanish," the preacher says.

The missionary replies, "No, I don't. It's that obvious?"

"Well yes," the preacher says. "I announced that the Acosta family had a new-born baby boy, and I asked the proud father to please stand up."

How To Deal with Telemarketers
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. Cry out in surprise,"Judy! Is that you? oh my gosh! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

5. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

7. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

8. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

9. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh No!!!" and then hang up.

10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.

11. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

12. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

13. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a pizza.

14. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

15. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your mom?"

16. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder...

17. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

[J-man]

Heh-heh..

You know you are addicted to coffee if ...
____________________________________
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away
without using the timer.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You're so jittery that people use your hands
to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize
it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee
with an I.V. hookup.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You answer the door before people knock.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
_________________________________________
Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.

"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.

"Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied.

"What's it for?" asked the first boy.

"I don't know," the second boy answered. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad."
__________________________________________

A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The thunder was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop.

The man, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly. He looked at the road and saw a curve ahead. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The man, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.

He gathered his strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the man was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two men walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other. "Look Pepe, that's the character who climbed into the car while we were pushing it."
_______________________

[J-man]

Oh, this one is good!
____________________
YOU THINK GASOLINE IS EXPENSIVE?

Diet Snapple 16oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon
Pint of milk 16oz for $1.59 = $12.72 per gallon
STP Brake Fluid 12oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout .7oz for $1.39 = $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5oz for $0.99 = $84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER......
Evian water 9oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon
.....$21.19 FOR WATER!!

So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't
run on Nyquil, or Scope, or Whiteout!!!!
_______________________________________
His and Her ATM usage explained:

HIS
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
____________________________________
1. Download a piece of Web authoring software - 20 minutes.

2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page - 6 weeks.

3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it - 20 minutes.

4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site - 1 minute.

5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like - 4 days.

6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again - 25 minutes.

7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do - 15 minutes.

8. View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there - 4 hours.

9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software - 1 minute.

10. Try to horizontally line up two related images - 6 hours.

11. Remove one of the images - 10 seconds.

12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone - 4 hours.

13. Download a counter from your ISP - 4 minutes.

14. Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number +16.3E10" - 3 hours.

15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text - 8 hours.

16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP - 40 minutes.

17. Accidentally delete your complete web page - 1 second.

18. Recreate your web page - 2 days.

19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server - 3 weeks.

20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP - 30 minutes.

21. Download FTP software - 10 minutes.

22. Call your friend again - 15 minutes.

23. Upload your web page to your ISP's server - 10 minutes.

24. Connect to your site on the web - 1 minute.

25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps - eternity.
________________________________________________
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire,"

"And what was he before you married him?",asked the friend.

The woman replied, "A billionaire."
__________________________________________________
Inventions that did not suceed...
*The water-proof towel
*Glow in the dark sunglasses
*Solar powered flashlights
*Submarine screen doors
*A book on how to read
*Inflatable dart boards
*A dictionary index
*Mechanical pencil sharpeners
*Powdered water
*Waterproof tea bags
*The helicopter ejector seat
*The cordless extension cord